My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
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Life with a cat in one tweet
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.