Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.