[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
R.I.P.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
i wish we could shoplift online
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
#inspiration #foodforthought