Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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Maths meets science
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon