Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.