Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”