Good morning!
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism