Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
We’ve come full circle
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]