me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar