Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
tell em, edith-anne
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.