[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
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Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight