How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Do one person every day that scares you.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.