me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.