-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Good morning, Twitter 😊
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.