ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I occasionally drink every single night.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935