Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7