As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
no one likes gloating
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.