Whoa 😂
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Same post same
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋