Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month