My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.