My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I’m too immature for adultery.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)