The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.