Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
starting a garage orchestra
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?