Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
going to the ER y’all need anything
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Weighing up my bread heating options
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text