BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.