Hank is one in a melon.
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.