A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty