if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted