Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
how it started vs how it ended
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
being a writer on Twitter:
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Don’t talk down to me
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.