Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*