“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it