[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.