A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’