The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.