Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
called in thicc to work this morning
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.