Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.