[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Oh my God.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Perfect
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.