So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!