Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
why would tinder want me to say this
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.