Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”