1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.