[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
You Might Also Like
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years