zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.