I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.