the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
😆this is so true
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.