My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
This raises questions
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
This is so me 😂😂
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop