Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
men are simple creatures
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
May have had one breakfast too many
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now