If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
THIS HEADLINE
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.