My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Seek kebab; not attention
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”