I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.